


Five Things that Did Not Happen to Rodney McKay After He Blew Up Five-Sixths of a Solar System

by MrsHamill



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Crack, Episode Related, Other, Silly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-05-28
Updated: 2007-05-28
Packaged: 2018-05-21 12:00:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,501
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6050913
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MrsHamill/pseuds/MrsHamill
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>...or Five Ways to Kill a Really Obnoxious Co-Worker and Get Away With It (another post-Trinity story)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Five Things that Did Not Happen to Rodney McKay After He Blew Up Five-Sixths of a Solar System

**Author's Note:**

> I may have written it, but **iibnf** is to blame, her and her [list of post-Trinity fics](http://iibnf.livejournal.com/1328223.html). Note that I am NOT trying to poke fun at anyone or anyone else's stories, I like post-Trinity stories too! This is nothing more than a harmless, silly little pastiche. I really hope no one is offended, that really wasn't my intent.

ONE: 

"I'm telling you, the city is trying to kill me!"

Elizabeth sighed. She had so much damn work to do and really didn't want to listen to Rodney's whining any longer. "Rodney, I don't think the city is actually sentient, so how could it be trying to kill you?"

"Well, if it's not the city, then someone _in_ the city is trying to do it!" Rodney wouldn't sit down, he paced and that just fueled Elizabeth's bad mood.

"Dr. McKay," she said in her frostiest tone, "I think I can categorically state there are several people in this city who would love to kill you, beginning with me, John and Radek!" He stopped and turned, stricken. She firmed her backbone; he deserved this. Lately he'd been waltzing around Atlantis like all was forgiven, like he'd made his apologies for what happened on Doranda and had been forgiven for blowing up five-sixths of a solar system. She was there to tell him he hadn't been, not completely. It would be a long time before he bought back her trust in him. "To be honest, I'm not sure how either of them still put up with you. You made a huge mistake, a dangerous mistake and it's going to take us a lot longer to find a way to forgive you for it."

Rodney had his most expressive puppy-eyed look on and he looked like he was going to burst into tears at any moment. "I... I..."

"I think you have work to do, Rodney," Elizabeth said, overriding whatever he was going to say, giving him a hard glare. "And I think you'd better get to it."

Rodney stuttered a bit but finally mumbled, "Okay, okay, I'm going." It was a relief to see him go. She really didn't know how Radek put up with working around the man, since he had ripped Radek up, down and sideways during the debacle. 

For the next few days, Rodney almost became a shadow, half-seen and half-heard. He avoided taking the transporters, would skitter into the mess hall and out again almost faster than anyone could notice, and began hording MRE's once the cooks began offering lemon chicken or sweet and sour pork for most dinners. He did show up, however, for his next mission. Elizabeth noticed John's mouth thinning to a fine, white line as soon as he saw Rodney.

The mission was an easy one, and Atlantis's prime team returned well before dinner time, announcing they had a treaty for food and another ally against the Genii to boot. John, Ronon and Teyla strolled through the 'gate together, smiling and laughing. 

As Elizabeth came down the stairs to meet them, the shield on the 'gate suddenly went up, along with a warning klaxon. Everyone turned to look up at the command room, where Sergeant Campbell looked horrified. "I didn't do it!" he exclaimed. "The shield, it just went up by itself!"

"Bring it down!" John roared, but it was too late. There was a bright light and the unmistakable sound of someone hitting the shield. As soon as that cleared, the shield and the wormhole closed with a whoosh. 

"Huh," Elizabeth said, blinking at the three remaining team-members. "Maybe the city _was_ out to get him after all."

"Maybe she saw him as a threat," John said, frowning.

Elizabeth looked at John for a long moment. "You think?" 

"I'm hungry," Ronon said.

"Okay, let's hit the infirmary and get lunch," John said, nodding as he walked away from the 'gate.

* * *

TWO:

Elizabeth Weir left the infirmary with a heavy heart; John's transformation was nearly complete and it was ripping her up inside. Unwilling to sleep and not willing to even try to, she wandered in the direction of the mess hall and saw the three member's of John's team clustered around one of the tables. Rodney, of course, was eating. Again. She walked their way and greeted them. "You guys are up late."

"Can't you sleep either?" Rodney asked, shoveling Jell-O or something similar into his mouth. 

"Any progress?" Teyla asked hopefully.

Elizabeth hated to say it, but she had to tell them the truth; they deserved it. "No. He's back into a coma." She looked down at her feet, remembering what John's last words had been. "At least he isn't in any pain."

Ronon was leaning against the railing. "Maybe if I went alone, maybe..."

"It's not open for discussion." She wouldn't be losing any more personnel to that damn bug cave. Well, unless it was...

"I'm not good at sitting still," Ronon grumbled, breaking her train of thought.

"I understand. Believe me, I appreciate how you feel." She looked at him for a moment before turning to the rest of the team. "Look, we've closed down that section of the infirmary but if you feel the need to..." She had to stop again for a moment, sighing. "What I mean to say is, if you would like... to have a private goodbye, you should probably do it soon."

Rodney actually put his food down. "Are we really there?" he asked. His voice cracked on the last word.

"I think we might be," she replied. "Rodney, just before... as he was going under, he asked for you. Carson's still with him, and I think you should go to him too. In private."

"He did? He asked for me?" Rodney looked pathetically eager as he stood and practically ran to the infirmary.

"He asked for _McKay_?" Ronon asked, giving her an incredulous look.

"Yeah." Elizabeth took Rodney's seat. "Carson was just running the last of the tests and was trying to get John under; you know, to keep him out of danger and out of pain, when John managed to speak."

"What did he say?" Teyla asked, putting her hand on Elizabeth's arm and looking earnestly into her face. 

"He said he was--" There was an unholy shriek in a familiar voice from behind them, in the direction of the infirmary. All three started and turned, but didn't otherwise move. "He said he was so very hungry," Elizabeth finally finished. "And he asked for Rodney."

* * *

THREE:

It was still damn dark aboard the Aurora, and, even though life support was running properly, damned cold as well. John, Rodney, Teyla and Ronon were standing in front of a couple of open and empty pods. Rodney had hooked up his laptop to one of them; he was checking through diagnostics. 

John was obviously uncertain. "You sure this is such a good idea?"

"What's the matter, Colonel? Don't you trust me?" Rodney asked.

"No!"

Rodney grimaced. "Okay, I guess I deserved that. But seriously..."

Caldwell's voice over the radio was tinny. "You're proposing actually freezing yourself in one of those things?"

"I should be able to tap into the neural network without actually initializing stasis," Rodney said, talking quickly. "Look, it won't take long. I'll be in and out." He looked at his team who stared back at him, suspicious and uncertain. He could almost hear Caldwell's skepticism, which was ridiculous. "Look, the quickest way to figure out what is going on in there is to tap into the system and communicate directly with the Captain. Need I remind you of the obvious value in this?"

Teyla, ever the practical one, asked, "But is it safe?"

"Would I be volunteering to go if it wasn't?" Rodney asked and the rest of the team rolled their eyes.

"No." Ronon slouched against the wall, his arms crossing as he spoke.

"There you go." Rodney gave them a few more instructions before stretching out on the pod bed. He wriggled slightly to get comfortable then said, "I'm good. Hit it."

John keyed the pod as active and it closed over Rodney's head, moving slightly back into the wall. Almost immediately, the laptop began displaying telemetry, showing that Rodney's thoughts joining that of the rest of the Aurora's crew. The team stood around, watching the laptop for a while, settling in for the long haul. 

Teyla perched on a nearby bench, rolling into lotus. "Did we tell you that we discovered a Wraith in one of the pods?" she asked John, who immediately perked up.

"You did? No, you didn't tell me!"

Ronon shrugged. "Don't think it meant anything."

"Well it could! We should--" 

Before John could say more, they were hailed by the Daedalus. "We've just picked up signals from two Wraith cruisers, closing in on us, ETA a little over an hour," Caldwell reported. "Can we get Dr. McKay out of stasis?"

"Well, Teyla and Ronon have just informed me that they found a Wraith in one of the pods," John said, glaring at them. "And that can't be anything good. I think whatever we could learn from this ship has just taken a backseat to not engaging the Wraith."

Caldwell sounded like he agreed with that assessment. "I don't want to risk my ship or anyone aboard her."

John screwed up his face in thought for a moment. "Beam a nuke over. We'll set it to detonate just as the cruisers get here, get 'em all in one stroke."

"Agreed. Can you get Dr. McKay out of stasis?"

John shrugged. "No, but if he comes out of it on his own, we'll be sure to beam him back."

"Understood. The nuke will be beamed to you shortly. Daedalus out."

The three of them stood around Rodney's pod, looking down at him. "I suppose we should take the laptop, it's an expensive one," John finally said. 

Everyone nodded and Ronon said, "I'm hungry. Let's get our gear and go."

* * *

FOUR:

The whole thing was weird, some kind of door into the mountain with writing engraved in the stone next to it. "I am not fluent in Ancient but I do recognize a few words: "welcome" and "ascension," Teyla said, moving some of the obscuring plant-life aside.

Ronon frowned. "Ascension?"

"To a higher plane of existence," Rodney said, pulling the 'MALP on a stick' back. "The race of people who built the Stargates -- they eventually evolved to a point where they ascended to a state of pure energy."

Ronon blinked and grinned. "That'd be great!"

"Yeah, well, sadly it's a matter of, uh, evolution." He looked up at Ronon, who glared back at him. Rodney hastily added, "Anyway... I'm sure we've got more than enough now." He grabbed the end of the stick he held and carefully pulled the camera away from the tape. "There we go. And... have a look, shall we?"

Everyone gathered around him as he activated the camera. The screen showed the other side of the doorway, which looked exactly the same as what they can see through the doorway. 

"OK, then! Any volunteers?" Rodney asked, closing the camera.

"I'll go," John said, after a deep breath. He walked towards the doorway.

"Just, um, back out if you encounter anything problematic," Rodney said.

John stopped and looked back at him. "Problematic?"

"Yeah, like poisonous atmosphere, acid atmosphere, no atmosphere. Hey, it's a MALP on a stick; only shows you so much." 

Rodney gave Sheppard an encouraging look but it did nothing to help John's mood. After a moment, John stepped back. "No, I think you're going to be point on this one, McKay," he said. Before Rodney could blink, John handed him his backpack and all but shoved him through the doorway. As soon as he was through, it was like he disappeared -- he didn't appear at all on what they thought was the other side of the door.

They waited a while, Teyla chopping more vines and things from the engravings, revealing more words. Birds chirped and the wind blew. Something small scuttled through the undergrowth near the doorway.

John looked at his watch. "Should've been back by now," he said.

"Yeah." Ronon scratched his arm.

Picking up the camera, John made to tape it back to the stick. "Hey, look. The camera's out of battery power. Do we have any with us? Back at the 'jumper?"

"I do not believe so," Teyla said after a moment's thought. "We would have to return to Atlantis."

"Okay. Let's head back, then. We can get more equipment and come back. We can leave a note for Rodney, if he shows back up."

"I'm hungry," Ronon said.

"Well, we can get lunch too. And maybe get Elizabeth back to translate the writing. I'm sure we can figure this out, get McKay back, in a couple of days. A week, tops."

"Okay," Ronon said, following John and Teyla back to the 'jumper.

* * *

FIVE:

Colonel Sheppard and Dr. Weir were deep in discussion in her office when Radek Zelenka burst in. "There has been accident!" he cried.

Both of them started and Sheppard rose. "What?"

"The 'jumper, the one I just repaired, it crashed!" Radek wrung his hands. "Rodney, he was flying with Griffin, checking that the repairs were complete and the 'jumper back to nominal, but they have crashed, somehow the 'jumper..."

"Zelenka, calm down," John said, putting his hand on Zelenka's shoulder. "Which 'jumper?"

"'Jumper six, you remember I had to make repairs after--"

"After Lorne's mission, yes," Elizabeth said, rising. "The repairs were complete?"

"Yes, I believed so, I thought everything was fine, but then we received a mayday from Griffin just now and the scanners have--"

"Wait, the 'jumper malfunctioned?" John asked, an intent look on his face.

"It must have, oh, I should have gone instead but I hate to fly, Rodney said he'd..."

"Radek, focus," Elizabeth said, coming around her desk and standing next to John. "Where did the 'jumper go down?"

"We have triangulated an area, just about halfway between here and the mainland," Radek said, his gaze nervously skittering across their faces. 

"Oh. In the ocean," John said, nodding.

"Ah." Elizabeth glanced from Radek to John. "Rodney can swim, can't he?"

John frowned then nodded. "As far as I know, yeah. Don't know about Griffin, though."

"Well, I'm sure he can, I doubt the Marines wouldn't cover that in basic training." 

Radek looked from John to Elizabeth then back. "Should we mount a rescue? We have calculated that the 'jumpers are probably only safe to about a thousand feet."

"Well," Elizabeth said. She walked back to her chair and sat. "That's plenty, then. Don't you think?"

John nodded. "I'm sure McKay can think of something. Of course, Radek, you'll have to step in and become the Science Division head in his absence."

"I will?" Radek straightened and blinked. 

"Yes, I think that's fair," Elizabeth said. John sat back down as she continued. "We've got some more duty rosters to go through and it's almost noon -- Ronon will be hungry soon and I'll lose John to lunch. Keep us in the loop, you know, if you hear anything."

Radek grinned. "I'll be certain to let you know." He left the office with a spring in his step, murmuring, "Dr. Zelenka, Science Division Head, Atlantis base. Has a real ring to it."

end


End file.
